Dear God, I am really only a weak and simple girl.

TThe year has just passed its first quarter but many things have happened.

The biggest change for this year for my family and myself is, I'm getting married. To someone I've known for a few days short of 10 months now. I was never a believer of The One but this guy changed my thoughts on this. He has quickly made me realised that he is what I'm looking for.

This guy is going to be my husband, someone who is, hopefully, gonna be by my side for the next half of my life. Someone who is gonna be my pillar of strength, support and life. I am happy but I fear too. The fear of adultery, the fear of an unhappy marriage, the fear of being hurt. Perhaps its marital jitters. And I believe he is feeling it too.

The recent departure of my two dear cousins for further studies in Melbourne and New York is a change bigger than I thought it would be. My extended family has been particularly close since I was young cos of the closeness of my mum and her siblings share. So it is sad to see them leave as Saturday gatherings at home is no longer the same. It is sad because there would be no random lunches or desserts or movies or Wii or guitar heroes as a "full group". It is sad because we can no longer watch TVB dramas from 9am to 9pm. It is sad because we can no longer sit down in a group and just talk nonsense. It is particularly sad when I hear their loneliness when I visit them or through their blogs.

The third major change has got to be the passing of my dear aunt. It was sudden, almost tragic if you know the build up and it was full of pain and regrets as she slipped into death in a state of sedation. The weeks prior to her death was a constant rollercoaster of optimism and negativity for all of us. She left without telling us and her family her last words, she left without completing her knitting, she left without seeing her new place done up, she left without seeing both her daughters off at the airport, she left without seeing her son enter poly, she left without seeing any of her children happily in love, she left without me telling her personally I'm getting married.

Her sickness and death gave my mum such a big heartache, it hurt me. I think I almost fell into depression that week in NYC. I was worried about my aunt before I left, I was worried about her when I was there 19 hours later. I hated my job at that point, I hated that I had to be on the other side of the world when everyone could be there beside my aunt on the (unexpected) last night. I missed home like never before. For that few days, I keep worrying that what if I know she was going or gone yet I cldn't go back. The crying, want to be alone and constant worrying was really driving me to depression.

The news that she is gone just moments before I was checking out left me in a trance. I cldn't believe it was real; it felt surreal. I could only hope my mum is well.

With her passing, I realised I am extremely terrified of witnessing more deaths of loved ones. I know deaths are inevitable but I firmly conclude that I'm too weak to witness any more. Although my aunt is still young, I cannot help but think that "it has reached their generation"; she is already the second in their generation to leave. I worried the day I witness the death of my mum.

I told my mum that our family has been witnessing death once every 5 years, this being the third one, and when she asked me who I think will be next, we both looked at my grandma with an extremely heavy heart. This is so worrying.

With the combination of pain at home and the need to complete my assignments, I've been really stressed up. There have been so many days when I feel like hiding from everyone and not doing anything. I guess perhaps this is the reason why I'm writing today too.

But I thank God for Kelvin. He has this magical ability of making me forget the unhappiness (for a short moment) and make me feel comforted, very comforted. So in times like this, who can blame me for my increased need for him and possessiveness towards him? I've grown to be deeply emotionally dependent on him, something foreign to me as I've been a good controller of my feelings.

Also this year, through many events, I realised I might have found the calling of God's work in me - I want to help people, in particular the old and/ or weak. Kel thinks I'm way too emotionally weak for this "job", and I agree. It is still premature to talk about my next course of "work" at this moment considering my relatively-young age and the need for survival and starting a family (read: $).

Apart from the new house in June and wedding in October, I really hope I won't experience any more dramatic changes in my life this year.

Dear God, I thank you for your works but I am really only a weak and simple girl these days.