FUCK THE EPISODE

Your countless broken promises in the most absurd nonchalance, and
your denial in the most ridiculous chauvinistic tone;
They have been making me upset for a long while.

Your accusations with bullshit-explanations, and
vague examples in an absolutely unnecessary raised voice.
They made the episode worse.

All these, consecutively happened so abruptly, created an illusion of an unsmooth path; an illusion that unforgettable anger is responsible for.

*

Then, your continued obvious nonchalance in the most disappointing manner, and
your actions in the most hurtful way.

Before the end of the day, the illusion materialised. And I realised, this ending is actually what prolonged hurting silence is responsible for.

PMS AND EMOTIONS

I hate PMS.

It makes my emotions go on a rollercoaster ride.
It makes my thoughts run wild; too much, too far, too negatively.

It makes me want things desperately and
it makes me obnoxious.

It makes me laugh then want to cry almost consecutively.

I hate PMS.

EMOTIONS AT RAGE

My delights and anger, my thoughts and priorites during the last several months were quite inexplicably joyful.

But I wish I would be pleasantly suprised some times; not with tangible things or any appreciated effort to colour my dull life. I just wish for selfless acts that would not cancel my anticipated plans at the very last minute.

When it happens (again) for the umpteenth time, it just kills the surprise that might have been planned.

You're almost here, but I know that is not enough.

SOMETIMES, PRIDE GETS IN THE WAY OF THINGS

Pride:
A sense of one's own proper dignity or value; self-respect.
An excessively high opinion of oneself; conceit.

The former is a good aspect of anyone; everyone should have them. The latter isn’t quite a beneficial aspect. Excessive is the word; it has the ability to make one to lose what she has, it has the ability to make one feel good (even though she might have done something unkind), it has the ability to make one feel lost and regretful.

Being too prideful pertaining to relationships is really the worst kind of experience anyone can have.

During our discussion about the above statement, I told Mr A,
"Pride level varies and differs.
Some of my friends are prideful in the way that they must win in arguments; some will say sorry and will give in.
I don’t have to win arguments, as long as the other party is reasonable but I find it damn hard to give in.

My pride hurts myself sometimes."

He replied,
"Yeah, I will say sorry. For me, I like to be the first.. don’t like being in 2nd place.
Agree. Sometimes I think my pride has got me in a lot of shit.

I can't fully express myself.. even though I really want to.
Miss B comes online everyday but...I just cant bring myself to talk to her.
I think things would have been different.... if I had said things or if I had done things a different way.

Sigh... Sharon.. I'm worried I can't get over this "thing". It's not love/like, I know for sure. It's jus a little bugger.. that's tugging my emotional cord. And it wont leave me alone. "

"You know, you would realise that in fact, you don't like her that much, but just cos it didn’t end well/proper, you can’t forget her.
I was thinking would it be easier to forget the whole shit if you're already out of contact with her. Or would it be worse? All I know is, it is a horrible feeling when you're in contact with the person yet too prideful to talk to her."

*

Friends around me seem to be getting into this improper closure shit, whilst I'm thankfully finding myself stepping out of this, albeit subtly and unpredictably.
To Miss XX, I hope things between you and him would turn out fine before it gets bad.

I recognize that my (over)pride had proven detrimental to my being; I’m proud to say I have been gradually putting down my pride for important things and people.

I like my conversation with Mr A today. He mirrored many things that I’ve been keeping silent for a long time about; things that had always made me think I was abnormal.