I NEED IT PROPER

I have been single for almost 15 months, and counting. To see friends around me happily attached, both in old and new relationships, is taking its toll on me. I miss being in a relationship.

For the last 13 months, none of the opportunites were strong enough to make me commit. After the last relationship, the idea of commitment and the fear of another short relationship devoid me of all interest in relationships.

Quite fortunately, during these 13 months, I have been very much in touch with my romantic inclinations. I had/ have almost-normal-proper relationships, with the freedom of singlehood but there is just this difference, a difference that can't be covered somehow. The (re)experience of being in a no-commitments romantic engagement really sucks after a while.

I hate it and it's depressing to know that it just can't happen proper, even when I want it. I suspect that deep down, I am actually hesistant of really wanting it to happen.

The last proper relationship I had was good to a certain extent but it ended abruptly with rashness and regrets. It could have been better, happier and definitely longer.

Tonight, it was very comforting to know that the break up affected the ex in almost the same way as it did/ does to me. The conversation tonight was more in-depth. I realised things I never thought I would, I found answers to my long-kept questions, I admitted to him things I would never have, and we both acknowledged that the improper closure can finally be sealed. These, however at the same time, brought my regrets up to a whole new level.